Tag Archives: beebs

personal essays: the measure of a breath

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Two days ago, we learned that Hayden, our beloved chihuahua, has kidney damage. There are things we can do to help her retain enough kidney function to live out the rest of her life before her kidneys fail. This is very encouraging because it means we can do preventive care rather than simply engaging in palliative care. However, there is no guarantee our measures will work. Serious illnesses like this take their own course. Sometimes intervention can’t change that course.

Hayden has done so much for my husband and me since we adopted her just under two years ago. I tell people she saved my life. They think I’m being hyperbolic, but I’m not. We adopted Hayden in part because we knew dogs provide excellent therapy for people with depression, anxiety and other chronic health problems. Now that we have her, I never feel alone. By that I mean I never move into an emotional state in which I am completely inaccessible, one in which I don’t know how to reach out to anyone for support, even myself.

Hayden tethers me to this world — and to her heart, my husband’s heart and my own heart. Each day, she shows me how to be gentle, playful and kind. Because of her, I feel more open. I trust the world more and want to fight for it more passionately. In her eyes, I see the beauty of all living creatures, and I understand the need to protect the environment that supports us all.

I still have so much to learn from Hayden, but right now I need to turn my attention to supporting her to the best of my abilities. I need to remain in the moment so that I don’t impose my own suffering on her. I don’t want my knowledge of her illness to cloud our time together. I need to remember that if, at the end of the day, Hayden has had a good day, that’s all that matters. At the same time, I must think about the future so my husband and I can intervene now on Hayden’s behalf. I can’t just be in the moment or her future could be compromised.

I have a lot of learning and growing to do in order to meet this challenge and be the caretaker and companion Hayden needs me to be. I hope I can do for her a fraction of what she’s done for me. Right now, she’s taking a nap and looks perfectly content. It’s hard to believe there’s anything wrong with her. Earlier, she ran and barked in her sleep. I like to imagine what she might be dreaming about: perhaps a warm day in the park, chasing squirrels up trees; or maybe a scene from her life before we adopted her, a place she only returns to in her sleep.

A train moves through the city; its hollow notes ride the air. This is a dark day, a cold day. Rain pads the windows like fingertips. Even the birds seem to be complaining about the weather in curt and muffled tones.

I’m going to join Hayden now. I will lie by her side and breathe with her. Measured in breaths, even a short span of time feels nearly infinite. I will count every breath and remember that each is a miracle, one we all share.

before and after: from wasteland to garden

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I’ve already posted about our backyard project which was — until today — still a work in progress. I am happy to report that, as of this afternoon, we’ve finished our composting and mulching and have planted all the plants we hoped to get in the ground this season.

Over the past week, we also dug the weeds out of the back half of the yard, laid a path to the back gate using pavers that were on the property, removed a large weed tree, repaired the gate so it would open and close, and leveled the soil in the back area.

Our plan is to let the mulch sit for a season or two in order to block any new weeds from coming up, while at the same time allowing nutrients from the compost and mulch to make the soil more fertile. At some point, we will enter into phase two of our plan, which is to add azaleas, shade-loving grasses, astilbe and a small Japanese maple — and of course more hosta.

Here are a few before and after photos, taken from similar angles. Keep in mind that my “before” photos were actually taken after I’d already had a first pass at clearing out the yard. It actually looked much scarier before that first pass.


:: Casting a Long Shadow

Here’s a before photo of the yard from the vantage point of the back porch. I am making a weird shadow and, unfortunately, I’ve captured Hayden in the act of peeing. (Sorry, Hayden!)  Note the fence to the right. That appeared to be some kind of dog run or chicken coop. We’re not certain exactly what it was, but it’s gone now.


:: Watch Your Step

Here is an after photo from the same angle. So much better. Our neighbors from two doors down even came over to show their appreciation for all the work we’re doing. They confirmed that the home’s landscape hadn’t been maintained for years — which was no surprise, given how it looked when we moved in.


:: Weed Army

This before photo shows the yard from the vantage point of the far side.


:: Spaced Out

Now we have a backyard we can feel good about. My husband likes it so much he’s started referring to it as his new office. He takes a magazine or his laptop outside, kicks back in an Adirondack chair and soaks up the sun (which is a good thing, since his vitamin D level recently came in at 9 ng/mL).


:: Weeds As High As an Elephant’s Eye

Broken and weedy and trashed, oh my! I wish we could have snapped our fingers and made this area all better, but unfortunately digging, lifting, leveling, shoveling and amending were all required.


:: Orderly

I would do a happy-dance in the new yard if it wouldn’t mess the mulch up.

That’s it for my before and after photos, but I do have two more “afters” to share. Before I do so, I want to note that not a single chemical — organic or synthetic — was used in the making of this backyard space. We dug everything out by hand, and we’ll keep at it as new weeds pop up. At some point, I might try vinegar on unwanted seedlings, but thus far the old-fashioned method of hand-digging has worked well, so I might stick with that.

OK. Here are the last two photos.


:: Hot Hosta


:: This Yard Is Beebs-Approved

the simple life: meet bella

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Have I mentioned that I’m trying to cut my car use in half? I am. And reaching that goal begins with Bella, my new Electra Townie 7D bicycle.


:: Hello, Bicycles!

I met Bella at Allegro Cyclery, which is located in the small town where my husband and I live. She wasn’t assembled yet, but her beauty was still apparent. She was the bicycle for me, and no other would do. She was assembled and ready for pickup the very next day.


:: Allegro (and Adagio)!

Allegro has all kinds of great bikes for everyone — from advanced riders to those who have never before experienced life on two wheels. Whether you want to ride like the wind or slink along like a slug (which happens to be my style), there’s a bike for you at Allegro. (Just not Bella, since she’s mine.)


:: Bella Gets Fine-Tuned

Bella is Polar Blue and has seven gears. I added a rack on the back with two water-resistant panniers. My skateboard-style helmet is probably obnoxious, but its metallic brown background with lime green and sky blue flowers in the foreground struck a design chord in me.


:: Bella Hangs in There

I stopped riding a bicycle seventeen years ago in Kansas City, when I managed to avoid a huge pothole in front of me and a negligent driver to the left of me — both good things — only to end up flipping over the front of my bike and landing on the road’s shoulder. I wasn’t even hurt, at least not seriously, but the experience scared me. As soon as I could get up, I limped to the nearest park, locked my bike to a tree and left it there. I never went back to get it.


:: Bella Brightens the Living Room

I swore off bicycles that day in Kansas City. But now — almost two decades later — I’ve learned that I can never swear anything off because I can’t see the future and what it will hold. In my case, the future held a bright blue city bicycle and a small, relatively flat town in which to ride that bicycle with ease — who knew?


:: Head Gear

The funny thing is, just a couple of weeks after I got Bella, our dog Hayden (also known as Cricket, “Miss B”, Bebe, Beebs and Bebo — among other names) was diagnosed with a bone spur on her right wrist joint. Though it’s not terribly serious, her days of long walks and hikes are most likely behind her. We can still take her on shorter walks, but that’s not as fun for her (or for us).


:: Nice Bod

When Hayden got her diagnosis, who came to the rescue? Bella, that’s who. I can put Hayden in her doggie backpack and let her enjoy neighborhood rides with my husband and me. We’ve been going out at least once a day and Hayden has a blast. The best part is, she can growl and grumble at neighborhood cats and dogs from the security of her backpack. She loves that aspect of her rides — although I am dreading the day when a dog comes darting after the two of us as we make our way down the street.


:: Hayden Sizes Bella Up

Who knew a bicycle could round out our family and help our dog have the best life possible in spite of her health issues? We sure didn’t. But that’s the true beauty of bicycles — you might get into them for lofty reason such as living more sustainably, but soon they work right into your heart in ways you could never imagine. The upshot is: When you buy a bicycle, you just might be in for the ride of your life.